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Deviant for 5 Years
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I’ll be the one inside you to hold you, to keep you safe, to bring you to light.
And then I won’t be.


You said, You, come here, and I didn’t hesitate to oblige. The day smelled of summer rain and evaporating concrete. Sometimes when I closed my eyes I pictured you in ways that shouldn’t be pictured. When I cried to Mama she said that I needn’t feel shame, that I was growing up, that it was to be expected. Encouraged it, even. I caught her looking with jealous eyes as my body flourished and hers deteriorated.

I swear that when you first curled your baby fingers around mine was the moment that I knew I had a heart. I hadn’t lived until then, hadn’t felt it pulsing behind by ribcage. Your skin was so paper-thin I could feel your heartbeat throbbing in your tiny hand.

You were digging a hole by the side of the road, saying you were making us an escape route to a faraway land. I told you about my visions of you and you weren’t surprised. I told you about Mama’s looks that I saw out of the corner of my eye and you said, You, don’t be worried, She’s just jealous. Then you smiled and I smiled too.

Mama tells me, Don’t touch her. Don’t you dare touch my baby. I back away and slam the door. I didn’t understand why Mama didn’t comfort you when you cried. At night, I would sneak underneath your windowsill with the cricket and junebugs as white noise to cover my steps and listen to your quiet sobbing and heaving and I, too, would weep.

Your focus went back to the hole. I watched you stab it with the shovel Papa gave you before Mama would make him sleep on the couch. With furtive glances I watched the muscles in your arms rub under your skin, glistening with sweat under the sunlight. I looked away when you stopped and I said, You, do you need help? You shook your head and I ran away.

Baby sister, if I could care, I would. I would sweep aside the stars and make a pathway for you to the universe then watch as your laughter populated planets. I would reach my fingertips inside you, scrape the insecurity from your bones and pull the doubt from your veins so you can be pure again. But I won’t. My hands would only dirty you more.

Fifteen years later and I find myself questioning why you had to go. Teardrops fall from my eyes and mix with the saltwater from the ocean as I stand where you stood. I try to imagine what was running through your mind. I wonder what prompted you to jump.

Your whole life you can be told something is wrong and so you believe it. You didn’t, though. I did and the winds toss me to the moon as I fly downwards. I’ll watch you as you grow old and wrinkles crease your face and you find someone else, someone who is Right. Someone who is not me. And when you look to the night sky and smile, I’ll smile too, and wait for you to climb to me where I’ll embrace you with stardust.
i don't understand how you make me happy and sad at the same time
how you can frustrate the hell out of me but i still want to kiss you
how you hurt me and i like it
how i hurt you and don't even know why.

thinking back to how this relationship started,
i don't know what's real and what's not.
i know that you've been hurt in the past
and i don't want to be the next one that scars you
i don't want to be just another story that you tell to your children
i don't know if i want to have your children yet,
but i do know that i want you, all of you,
and i think the problem is that i want you to want all of me too.

the other day, you drunkenly asked me if i was ready for a relationship.
without hesitating, i said yes.
i asked you if you were ready for this relationship.
you hesitated, and i could hear the word no reach the tip of your tongue
before you pulled it back into your throat and said yes
i didn't believe you
i asked if you wanted this relationship, and with slurred words
you said "seventy five percent yes, twenty five percent no"

i asked, "what the hell does that mean?"
you proceeded to (hurriedly) explain all of the nice qualities about me that you liked
and gushed about how you wanted to get to know me better
but how i came into your life at a time when you weren't ready
for the next relationship, commitment, whatever it is that we are
and i could tell that you were holding something back.
i voiced that i knew that there was something else you weren't telling me
and you hesitated before saying,
"it's just, you've been with a lot of other guys.
and i know that shouldn't bother me,
it shouldn't matter now because we're together,
but it just does. and i can't explain it."

it's not my fault that i didn't know
that you were going to enter the picture of my life so soon
and completely recolor it
with colors that only you can see.
but what am i supposed to think of what you said that night
when you tell me now that "i won't be mad if you dance
with other guys at those parties, or even kiss them,
or make out with them,
or even fool around.
just no sex."
i repeat, i think the problem is that i want you to want all of me too.

but i won't tell you how i danced with that other guy
or how i wished you dressed more like him
or how i want you to have the same music taste that he does
or possess the same sense of humor as that one
or was as chivalrous as he was
or spoke the way that one guy does
or appreciated art like the other one

i wished that you had come after me the other night
had said "no babe, stay with me. i need you."
instead of spitting out "okay, bye"
but then calling me immature for leaving.
i knew that my words were empty,
an unloaded gun, bullets of air
but i still wanted the impact of a real bullet
i wanted you to care, and i saw that you didn't.
i sat outside on the staircase for a good twenty minutes
before coming back inside to you helping her throw up in the bathroom
you said "oh, there you are"
when i asked you why you didn't try and stop me
you said it was because you knew i wasn't going to leave.
i asked how on earth could you know that,
and you said you just did. you just did.
i was mad because i knew you were right.

there's so much more i need to write,
but i'm still figuring things out.
how our bodies fit together in all the wrong places
and how i can hear your heartbeat in your fingers,
but not on your chest.

i guess that home is hard to find
when the heart isn't in the right place.
1: a song you like with a color in the title
white blank page by mumford&sons

2: a song you like with a number in the title
400 lux by lorde

3: a song that reminds you of summertime
anna sun by walk the moon

4: a song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about
wasted by tiësto - this one is odd, because i like the song, but i don't like who it reminds me of.

5: a song that needs to be played loud
little lion man - mumford&sons

6: a song that makes you want to dance
all night longer - sammy adams

7: a song to drive to
disconnected - 5SOS

8: a song about drugs or alcohol
why'd you only call me when you're high - arctic monkeys

9: a song that makes you happy
defying gravity - wicked

10: a song that makes you sad
give me love - ed sheeran

11: a song that you never get tired of
alone together - fallout boy

12: a song from your preteen years
california gurls - katy perry

13: one of your favorite 80s songs
come on eileen - dexys midnight runners

14: a song that you would love played at your wedding
thinking out loud - ed sheeran

15: a song that is a cover by another artist
latch - kodaline (so much better than the original by disclosure)

16: one of your favorite classical works
i'm an uncultured swine

17: a song that would sing a duet with on karaoke
little talks - of monsters and men

18: a song from the year that you were born
idk man... uncultured swine

19: a song that makes you think about life
skip the charades - cold war kids

20: a song that has many meanings to you
take me to church - hozier

21: a favorite song with a person’s name in the title
hey jude - the beatles

22: a song that moves you forward
where no one goes - jónsi

23: a song that you think everybody should listen to
sanctuary (the version with sam's speech) - paradise fears

24: a song by a band you wish were still together
idk

25: a song by an artist no longer living
..

26: a song that makes you want to fall in love
like real people do - hozier

27: a song that breaks your heart
no good deed - wicked

28: a song by an artist with a voice that you love
haunt - dan smith (from bastille)

29: a song that you remember from your childhood
shake it off - florence + the machine

30: a song that reminds you of yourself
well we've come full circle... white blank page - mumford&sons
you can tell a lot about someone by the music they listen to. hit shuffle on your iPod/Phone/iTunes/media player and write down the first five songs that play, then pass this on to 5 people!

1.  wayfaring stranger - ed sheeran
2.  battle scars - paradise fears
3.  rivers and roads - the head and the heart
4.  dust bowl dance - mumford & sons
5.  400 lux - lorde
i don't understand how you make me happy and sad at the same time
how you can frustrate the hell out of me but i still want to kiss you
how you hurt me and i like it
how i hurt you and don't even know why.

thinking back to how this relationship started,
i don't know what's real and what's not.
i know that you've been hurt in the past
and i don't want to be the next one that scars you
i don't want to be just another story that you tell to your children
i don't know if i want to have your children yet,
but i do know that i want you, all of you,
and i think the problem is that i want you to want all of me too.

the other day, you drunkenly asked me if i was ready for a relationship.
without hesitating, i said yes.
i asked you if you were ready for this relationship.
you hesitated, and i could hear the word no reach the tip of your tongue
before you pulled it back into your throat and said yes
i didn't believe you
i asked if you wanted this relationship, and with slurred words
you said "seventy five percent yes, twenty five percent no"

i asked, "what the hell does that mean?"
you proceeded to (hurriedly) explain all of the nice qualities about me that you liked
and gushed about how you wanted to get to know me better
but how i came into your life at a time when you weren't ready
for the next relationship, commitment, whatever it is that we are
and i could tell that you were holding something back.
i voiced that i knew that there was something else you weren't telling me
and you hesitated before saying,
"it's just, you've been with a lot of other guys.
and i know that shouldn't bother me,
it shouldn't matter now because we're together,
but it just does. and i can't explain it."

it's not my fault that i didn't know
that you were going to enter the picture of my life so soon
and completely recolor it
with colors that only you can see.
but what am i supposed to think of what you said that night
when you tell me now that "i won't be mad if you dance
with other guys at those parties, or even kiss them,
or make out with them,
or even fool around.
just no sex."
i repeat, i think the problem is that i want you to want all of me too.

but i won't tell you how i danced with that other guy
or how i wished you dressed more like him
or how i want you to have the same music taste that he does
or possess the same sense of humor as that one
or was as chivalrous as he was
or spoke the way that one guy does
or appreciated art like the other one

i wished that you had come after me the other night
had said "no babe, stay with me. i need you."
instead of spitting out "okay, bye"
but then calling me immature for leaving.
i knew that my words were empty,
an unloaded gun, bullets of air
but i still wanted the impact of a real bullet
i wanted you to care, and i saw that you didn't.
i sat outside on the staircase for a good twenty minutes
before coming back inside to you helping her throw up in the bathroom
you said "oh, there you are"
when i asked you why you didn't try and stop me
you said it was because you knew i wasn't going to leave.
i asked how on earth could you know that,
and you said you just did. you just did.
i was mad because i knew you were right.

there's so much more i need to write,
but i'm still figuring things out.
how our bodies fit together in all the wrong places
and how i can hear your heartbeat in your fingers,
but not on your chest.

i guess that home is hard to find
when the heart isn't in the right place.

deviantID

reflexively
i don't like labels
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
lol i've gone by so many names
places i frequent ~
neopets
- omg too many usernames just ask omg
youtube
- theeffectshecanhave OR kissedbytheflame
aim
- ask for it
tumblr
- benedict.tk

i have some amazing friends and you should know who you are u.u
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:iconbareha:
bareHa Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thank you!
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:iconleisuredly:
leisuredly Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2013
hey u
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:iconreflexively:
reflexively Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
HEYA
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:iconleisuredly:
leisuredly Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2013
HEYO
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:iconarchelyxs:
archelyxs Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2013
Hello, thank you for the favorite! :heart:
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:iconreflexively:
reflexively Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
of course <3
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2013
Thank you for the fave, dear! :heart:
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:iconreflexively:
reflexively Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
of course c:
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BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013
thanks for the faves!
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:iconreflexively:
reflexively Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome c:
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